Driftwood Memory

Pictures in my mind, breezing through the albums of the memories, fading in and out from reality to a time and place where I can no longer be. I find myself so enraptured with how this all happened, the trauma and drama that threw me, catapulted me, back into your world, that forced my mouth, once sewed shut, open, to spill out the detailed and natural promises of a young, battered, burn-victim of love. I remember so clearly, all of it, all of it, that gaudy pink sweater, the way that I could not, would not tear my eyes away from your face, so comforting to me, a piece of driftwood to hold onto in a cataclysmic ocean of hopelessness and fear. You saved me from it all, my dear. That first "I love you," barked out like an order, relieved at the hesitant answer, the fantastic dreams of forevers. I tested your limits back there where we once were, making sure you intended, really intended, to stay. And somehow you're still staying, somehow these pictures aren't fading, somehow the piece of driftwood grew into a boat, and you just carry me along as the blue rises and falls.

Pills: A Crazed Little Rant

Pills, pills, pills, trying to soothe my soul. Running around in the cavernous maze of my mind, trying to disperse dopamine to starving neurotransmitters. I have refugees living in my skull, living on badly baked dread and crumbs of hopeless rage. I choke down these pills every night to make them quiet, to still their twitchy movements, but I'll be damned if I'm choking down anything useful. Screw you big pharma. Give me some sunshine, real sunshine. I'm ranting now but it doesn't matter to me. Nothing really does anymore.

Drowning In These Little Moments

The light from a single bedroom lamp was distorted into sunshiny gloriousness. One kiss in the kitchen became my vow. Every little thing was blown up and into the wind. I am drowning in these little moments, drowning in my love for you, and I don't want to learn to swim. You are my ocean, blue-grey-green, twisted around me and pulling me towards nothing, pulling me towards an unknown, showing me how to get lost. I am lost in you. 

You Never Left Me

Two years ago, I thought I had it all. All I had, really, was a handful of lies. All I had was a house of cards, just waiting to fall apart. Two years ago, I wore a different ring. Today I still feel the weight of it.

You ruined me. Forever. You stomped all over my heart in your parade, shouting those "fuck offs" with confidence, killing me slowly, and I'm still not alive. Not like I used to be. The light in my eyes is still dimmer and quietly disappearing, even with the fire of real-life love lit within me. Nothing can quench the thirst you caused. I am hopeless, helpless, still under your thumb, while you forget, slowly forget, about all of your offenses. But I remember. My heart remembers.

I am swallowed, still, by your ocean, lost, still, in your maze. I don't trust a human soul. I don't want the way I used to want, with waves, with storms, a want that was unstoppable. I don't chase the way I used to chase. Everything within me is different, tainted. No matter how beautiful my life is, I still see ugliness in the mirror. No matter how safe my home is, I still shake with fear at night.

I may have left you, but you never left me.