The Violence of Blue Stars

When the Stars Go Blue
Ryan Adams
comes next on the playlist
dances into my ears
careens into my ribs

cracks
me
open

reminds me to breathe

It's the
talking to pine-cones and
the fear of roller-coasters and
the drowning in
voices and

I was a stranger
child

It speaks of
my desperation
I lied to
make you love me
I hid in the dark but
no one was
coming

I meant to say
"I'm sorry"
but I said
"Don't leave me"

This feeling is
bloodshed
the things we have
been through
the way my cheek
was pressed down on
cold Italian cobblestone

and on the dorm room bed

and on the grit of
where I should not
have stumbled

I said no
but they didn't
hear me

It's the reverberation
the cyclical effort
the love I gave

compulsory

The waves I choke on
endlessly

The woman I tried
to be-
come
sing with me

Do I preach
to the choir?

I see me at
maybe fifteen
and the mix CD
is in my
mini-boombox

Elder millenial
nostalgic becoming -
ache with me

That friend
I wanted
to absorb
wanted to breathe her
wanted to fuck her

I had no language

She said
"This is Ryan Adams,"
and I said
"It's good."

And pretended to
enjoy
as I was destined
to continue
to do

A decade later
I still feel gravel
in my teeth