Into the Labyrinth

After the light in my eyes had gone out, once I had hit the bottom layer of hell in his absence, I decided to begin the upward journey, the adventure into my core. I didn't have a map to take with me, or any provisions, but a sense of curiosity at what I would find there. With his back turned to me, his gaze fixed on his own path, I found it easier to go forward without looking over my shoulder. 

So I started into the labyrinth of my self, color before me and a graveyard behind. Mirrors abounded on the maze walls; never in my life had I seen my face so often, and with such clarity. I looked into my own eyes at every turn, on every corner, and saw within myself a lost and broken child. "Come with me," I said to her, gently. "I think I know how to get us out of here." 

I've been shaking ever since I started forward, but my steps echo with the sound of love. I think of him every time I turn around, the ache never lessening, the nightmares of his stone-cold face never failing to catch me in my deepest sleep. But I can feel, in the ache, a possibility blooming. I just want to be someone that he could be proud of, but I have to be proud of me first. 

How did I go so long without embracing myself? How did I live twenty two years without realizing that I fit perfectly in my own arms? How did I get so far without seeing this light? 

Lost within my center, I feel a new completeness that just can't be described. Do I miss him? I more than miss him. He was my rock. You don't understand. Even the worst, most horrid terrors could be escaped in his presence. Even the deepest, most inescapable nightmares melted away when I woke up next to him. But he's lost to me now, lost in his own maze. Somehow, slowly, in dreams and in waking, I'm letting go of his hand. I'm learning to walk on baby-fawn legs. I'm navigating my inner sanctuary like I was made to do it. And I was. I was. This is what I was made to do.

I wear jewelry these days, to remind myself I deserve to be adorned in beauty. I speak kindly to my reflections in the hall of glass. I almost lost my life to the clutches of hopelessness and self-hate. I won't allow them to try to kill me again. They don't have the password at the door anymore. They don't belong inside. 

Grounded in confidence, splashing paint across the stars, I walk in health, alive. How fortunate I am, to be alive. Love radiates from me. Truth is spoken through me. I can see my future through a hole in the wall. I've never felt so close to the clouds in my existence.

I've never been more alone.

I've never been more in love.

I've never been more alive.