Not one pink line, but two. They were all positive.
The first person I called was my best friend Kesheya. I won't detail her response in full (she probably wouldn't appreciate it), but suffice it to say it didn't go so well. (Later she made up for her inital response by being my most trusted babysitter and frankly, Paige's favorite aunt.) The second person I called was my friend Kate. She had just found out a few months before that she was pregnant with her first child - and she had ten years of life experience on me. She calmed me down and talked me through my options as I sat on the pavement in front of the store. I remember how hot the weather was that day, the way my shoulders felt against the brick wall behind me. Every detail registered as significant as I felt the world changing around me, as I listened to Kate tell me what I needed to hear: That no matter what path I chose going forward, it didn't have to define me. The choice belonged to me and to no one else. No matter what I did, she said that she would love and support me through it.
What's funny is that much of my panic over being pregnant was so...artificial. Something very deep inside me had known somehow that I was pregnant essentially from the moment that Paige was conceived. I had been pushing the thought out of my mind for weeks, but somehow I think my body was preparing my mind for what was to come. My soul knew that I was pregnant before I did. It didn't really take me by surprise the way it should have. And even though I panicked like a champ - the way all the Degrassi kids did when they were pregnant, the way I felt that I needed to I guess, I honestly believe that I knew the second I saw the plus sign on that little plastic screen what I was going to do. I was going to be a mom. I was determined to keep this child.
Everyone I called that day to share the news with (always one to broadcast, never very private, I guess) had a very different reaction than the one I thought they were going to have. The most surprising was from my old college roommate, Lindsay. Lindsay is from Pueblo. She is no stranger to teenagers getting pregnant and often subsequentally ruining their lives. As an ambitious, career-minded, no-nonsense girl, I was pretty sure she was going to tell me to get my ass in a Planned Parenthood and stop even thinking about having babies for at least the next ten years. But she was the most excited for me out of anyone. "You're going to be an amazing mom, Shelby." She was the only one who ever said that to me before Paige was born. That phone call made me cry and I still love her for it.
A few people have questioned why I was so sure, HOW I was so sure, that this life is what I wanted. It wasn't about a religious conviction. Continuing my pregnancy and keeping my daughter as my own was never based on any pre-conceived notions I had about what is right and what is wrong. I didn't keep my baby out of a sense of moral obligation or religious duty. I decided to keep her because I wanted her. I loved her and I knew her from the moment I was aware of her existence (and there was never a single doubt in my mind, by the way, that I was having a girl).
Here I am on the other side of so many important, life altering decisions. I can honestly say that I'm proud of myself for what I have accomplished, for the mommy that I am becoming. The last year of my life has been a whirlwind, and it has been incredibly hard, but it has also been by far the best year of my life. God has blessed me with a beautiful, healthy, daughter, a new career calling, and the healing and redemption of my relationship with a man that I am elated to call my other half and my best friend. As a parent, I have been imperfect. As a girlfriend, I have had my struggles. As a daughter, I haven't been grateful enough. As a friend, I've been irregular about returning calls. But at this moment, I'm looking back on the last twelve months of my life, and they seem...perfect. Everything came together like a puzzle. Jordan fits me like a favorite pair of jeans. Paige lights my world up every morning with her smile. And as we all press further into our future together, I can look back and see where God has been working. I can look forward and see how much promise there is to come. I am grateful for everything that I have, and more grateful than I realized I would be that I made the decision in that Von's bathroom to get on an Eastbound bus, go home, and start my life all over.
God's grace has been sufficient. And I'm happier than I've ever been.
No comments:
Post a Comment